kitchenincident

I was just trained at the liquor store downtown in Orange. It is badass.

Apparently my ex-manager is going around talking about how shitty it was for me to leave because she did everything for me that I needed, which, if you've been talking to me within the past few months, we all know is bullshit. I don't miss it. At all. Her going around and talking about it just gives validity to why I left in the first place. No notice. I am sensing a pattern with jobs that I hate. I wait and wait until I am fed up with the middle-school mentality of these establishments and I leave. She's been singling out a good friend of mine who works there, and happened to give notice the day before I quit.

At least where I work now, I can't be written up for saying "Fuck" in front of a patron. Give me a break, Corporate America. The word hardly means anything anymore.

The fetus grows steadily, or at least I'm led to believe. It is a smidge larger than a lime now, if you want it put into a tangible perspective, and I usually do.

I just found a written conversation between myself and the Nolan. It made me grin. Now I'm ambivalent. The jokes he wrote are just as funny now as they were then. I can't remember what movie we were watching while the conversation went on but some guy  "blew mad snow with James Woods in 'The Boost'."

La la la la life goes on.

We wouldn't have nuclear war.

Way to fucking go, Germany.

1 Where is your cell phone? Counter.

2. Your significant other? Nonexistant.

3. Your hair? Short.

4. Your mother? D'accord.

5. Your father? Fabulous.

6. Your favorite thing? Satisfaction.

7. Your dream last night? Lacking.

8. Your favorite drink? Tea.

9. Your dream/goal? Live.

10. What room you are in? Living.

11. Your hobby? Work.

12. Your fear? Rejection.

13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? France.

14. Where were you last night? Work.

16. Muffins? Shoes.

17. Wish list item? Companionship.

18. Where you grew up? Sunnydale.

19. Last thing you did? Worked.

20. What are you wearing? Clothes.

21. Your TV? Unplugged.

22. Your pets? Moose!

23. Friends? Love.

24. Your life? Slow.

25. Your mood? Tired.

26. Missing someone? Yes.

27. Car? Kia.

28. Something you're not wearing? Pants.

29. Your favorite store? Gap.

30. Your favorite color? Red.

33. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier.

34. Last time you cried? January.

35. Who will resend this? Someone.

36. One place that I go to over and over? Work.

37. One person who IMs me regularly? Kenneth.

38. My favorite place to eat? Bertucci's.

39. Why you participated in this survey? Homework.

40. What are you doing tonight? Surveys.

41. Favorite animal? Mooser.

42. Beach or Mountains? Mountains.

43. Cake or Pie? Pie.

44. You? Hungry.

TEN things you wish you could say to TEN different people right now:

10) Stop being a twat.

9) We shouldn't have stopped talking.

8) I miss you and can't wait for you to come back. I owe you a hair cut.

7) For the most part, I'm better off without you.

6) I wish you'd stop making false promises.

5) I wish you'd stop making bad decisions with your life.

4) Why did you get that part of Hey Jude stuck in my head?

3) Can you please spend more time with your dog so (s)he stops barking non-stop?

2) I'm sorry I've been such a complete shit bag to you.

1) I want to hold your hand.

NINE things about yourself:

9) I pretend that I play music. Well, I really do but it's not very good.

8) I don't go to the gym as often as I tell myself that I will.

7) I have no interest in college.

6) I feel like cutting my hair will get rid of all of my problems.

5) I can't remember titles of movies that I watched with Matthew even though I really loved most of them.

4) I want to flee the country on a regular  basis.

3) I say really shitty things a lot but don't mean majority of them.

2) The thought of asking a particular boy I work with on a date makes me completely nauseous with nervousness.

1) I fall in love easily and find myself hurt even more easily.


EIGHT ways to win your heart:

8) Strike up conversation about things you've found we have in common.

7) Do stupid little things, like quaint little text messages.

6) Have a similar sense of humor to my own.

5) Have goals in life.

4) Be willing to be selfless when I need you to be and selfish when I want you to be.

3) Read similar things to mine and similar movie tastes so we can do things like that together.

2) Don't judge me or those I love.

1) Understand that I'm more sagittarius than I'd like to admit.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

7) My social anxiety, even though I put on a brave face and act like I have none at all.

6) Matthew.

5) My weight.

4) Fiscal responsibilities.

3) Songs which get stuck in my head.

2) Song concepts.

1) Moose.

SIX things you do before you fall asleep :

6) Brush my teeth.

5) Get some pajamas on.

4) Search for Moose.

3) Panic about school and money.

2) Turn onto my left side, then my right, and forget which side I finally settled on before sleep.

1) Breathe like we were taught in Holisitic Health because Josh Nichols told me that it works if you can't fall asleep, which I frequently can't.

FIVE people who mean a lot at the moment: (not in any order)

5) Kelly

4) My father

3) Amanda Palmer

2) Meagan

1) Kenneth

FOUR things you see right now:

4) Moose sleeping on a rocking chair.

3) My self-portrait.

2) My jewelry.

1) My Moroccan rug.

THREE songs that you listen to often at the moment:

3) "Because" by The Beatles.

2) "The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot" by Brand New

1) "Boston" by The Dresden Dolls

TWO things you want to do before you die:

2) Teach in France.

1) Record some music or perhaps actually learn how to play the piano.

ONE confession:

I'm completely terrified of rejection.

Backward in time based upon last encounter. Let's see how accurate we can get this.

Michael.
Arielle.
Sara. (Kinda ironic how those two kinda went together.)
Gregory. (What a shitshow that conversation turned out to be.)
Bethany.
Matthew.

My brain stopped there. Probably self-preservation mode kicking on. I want to go to the gym tomorrow but need to get my rent together. Bahfuck.

Okay so where were we?

Most people from Salem.
Most people from high school.

It's a shorter list than I'd imagined. The list of people I that I communicate on a daily basis with is probably even shorter so I won't consider that one. The only reason I turned on this fucking machine was to play Diablo. I think I may sleep instead. Sometimes I miss it all.

But not very often.

I'll probably only be in  the town itself for 2 minutes. Get a photo of the sign and leave. Probably the same with Medford. Thank god we're only stitching up a wound that didn't really have the time to develop yet.

I hope you fucking google this. Please view Mood and Music. Enjoy your fear-ridden relationship. Jesus Christ. I inquire "Why haven't you stopped replying yet? I thought this is absolute and resolved." Clearly you didn't give enough of a shit to fight me anyway.

Don't you hate it when you're crying too much to be able to match your socks?

Can anyone imagine how beautiful the snow would look on Ketamine?

So everyone in my suite is gone for winter. I'm in it alone again and I canceled my housing for next semester due to the apartment. It's great how everything is coming together.

I woke up with a really sore back.

Oh, and if you have like half an hour to piss away and laugh uncontrollably at a social experiment: http://dismal.ath.cx:8099/yo/

Apparently when drunk, I give really good directions accidentally. Go figure.

I'll miss living here a little.

BUT I'LL HAVE MY OWN WASHING MACHINE. 

On November 1st, I got a random text message from 508-642-7016, whom I have saved in my phone as Some Creep. From here on in, Some Creep will be referred to as SC

SC: Hey sexy. (10:19pm)
Me: Who is this?
SC: Oh c'mon it's me!
Me: I lost all of my numbers this summer when my phone died. Who is this?
SC: Steve
Me: Steve who?
SC: Crooked dick Steve.
Me: Get fisted, fuck stain.
SC: We did that too!! You do remember!
Me: Haha. Drink some water. It'll prevent the hangover.
SC: Remember the time we a coke bottle?
Me: You sound pretty coherent.
SC: I am completely sober bacon bits.

Now at this point, I thought it was Michael fucking with me because I ask "What's shakin' bacon" all the time. So I texted Mark about it.

Me: So who is this really?
SC: I told you. Hooked dick Steve.
Me: Children like you shouldn't be given phones.
SC: Jenn why are you being such a sandy cunt?
Me: Knew you had the wrong number.
SC: Jenn have you been taking your meds. I think your splits are acting up.

At this point, I was reminded of the song Dear Jenny by the Dresden Dolls, about mental institutions and a girl named Jenny.

Me: Looks like old Jenny's doing better. The rates are better in the summer.
SC: The coke rates?

I got freaked out there. It was either someone who knows I've done coke or a very good guess.

Me: Something like that.
SC: Doggy dick
SC: Liquidate your toe
SC: Godzilla is fucking stacked
SC: Leiloo dallas multi pas

Here I decided to call. No one answered but it was a woman's voice on the voicemail.

SC: Just another nigger dead.

I forwarded that to Mark who then sent a photo of his genitalia.

SC: Real cute getting yo suga daddy on my ass. He has a sexy shlong though. I'm hard.
SC: I wanna  suck your daddy's cock.
SC: I wanna your daddy with a coke bottle.
SC: My cock is so hard.
SC: Oh god. I just came buckets. (11:28pm)

I got pretty wigged out and was notified that this happens sometimes and usually they text you and when you reply, it costs extra money. The bill came and everything was as it usually was. No messages were exchanged after these. Has anyone else seen this number? I responded because it was a 508 number, thinking it was someone from Salem whose number I lost.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27955316/

It must have been three in the morning. Maybe later, but the sun sure wasn't up yet, nor should I have been. I felt the kicking. You rubbed your eyes, the light invading the cracks violently as I switched on the lamp. I stroked your hair and held you firmly. You placed your mouth gently on my neck and breathed. The hot, moist air left a scar on my brain tissue and sometimes, it drags me back there, out of what I'm doing. I found our plans for the money and placed the butt in the tray, watching the embers smolder, become dim, die.

Your breath became even again and I switched off the light. I adjusted myself next to your frame, frail like ashes, tears running down my face. You'd forgotten your birth certificate and ID at home, ten hours away, as had your brother, who once made fun of how jumbled my words became after I fell out of the peach tree in the yard. We had to stay inside because of your missing paperwork. I awoke once more, on my back, with your left hand in my hair, your right on the left half of my face, holding me gently. You were leaning on your elbow to stare down at me. "Where are my glasses?" "I don't know." I turned over, away from you, and reached to the table but your glasses weren't there. I returned both to you and to my half-comatose state. You didn't seem to mind, resting your head next to mine and I never hesitated to put my head on your shoulder. A perfect fit, it was. My dark hair next to yours, which is flecked with gray and red in small places.

So sweet. Aww, that's so sweet. So fucking sweet. High fructose sweet. We let it course through our veins, pink grapefruit tangerine and usual. We finally decided enough was enough and took off to the grocery store, thinking of what to make while we were lying down, though it felt as though we were still standing. And on 202, you sobbed. In Hadley, you choked on your words, admitting to the laugh-track you recorded. On Branch Bridge, you told me how you'd missed me as we were stalked by the aliens in the cold. And the next day, after I poured the tea and named the three children we never had, I drove you to your library, where you returned my books. I went home and woke up alone.

Because I realized I can't make rice.

I was going to post here until I realized I could pick up my guitar instead.

Sorry, folks.

SCHEDULE TIME! Bahahahaha

Sunday, 11/02
02:00PM - 06:30PM 

Monday, 11/03
Off

Tuesday, 11/04
Off

Wednesday, 11/05
05:00PM - 09:30PM 

Thursday, 11/06
05:00PM - 09:30PM 

Friday, 11/07
Off

Saturday, 11/08
01:00PM - 06:00PM 


What? Friday off? I'll trade that for ANTM.

I'm ignoring my paper for right now to give the slightest update.

I'm clean. I don't smoke anymore (except for one pack of special occasion cigarettes which I bet will last until the end of the year) and have been exercising like a fiend.

It's gonna suck when McCain wins and I hopefully move out of the country.

I'm still voting for Obama and voting NO on question 1.

Fuck REO Speedwagon.

Today last year the Red Sox had yet to take the field but we were pretty convinced that Lugo was being paid to fuck up everything. Now he nor Manny are on the team. And they're not going to the Series. Amazing how opposite everything is this year. They won the pennant at three after midnight last night, technically October 22. George said "Happy Birthday" before I could. I drank Orange water on the way back to Salem because it tastes so much better than the imaginary H2O they give you there. We played Pictionary a lot that weekend. There are 6 hours left of today and I will more than likely send a message because I love self-abuse THAT much. More than likely, he won't even say thank you.

Art Alexakis: "I never understood you then and I guess I never will."

I almost sent a Monopoly $5 with that written on the back. Maybe this will be it for a few years. Mayby I'll have the strength of character to ignore it.

Matt surprises me sometimes.

And when he does

I miss him.

It's 11:02am. I woke up about half an hour ago for the final time. I'd woken up 3 times before that, during which, it was raining. I looked out the window just now, anticipating grim looking skies. Nope. There's sun now. I debate whether or not I want/need to shower. Probably. I have to work at 2.

I had a dream last night or this morning and it made me realize that Matthew never says anything to me when I dream. But how much did he really say when he was here? I think that's important but will continue to doubt myself. I thought about sending him a birthday card with photos of Moose in it. But I won't. I'm not going to. I am not sure what it would have accomplished in the first place. His birthday is next Wednesday and he'll turn 23. Well at least with this one, the only thing he ever stole from me was my spine. I hope eventually he'll feel guilty and mail it back.

Michael's house-warming party may be this Friday. I don't give a shit if I'm over-dressed. I will be the cutest thing to walk through that door. I still have no idea what to get for a house-warming gift. I thought about candles but realized that is too girly.

Oh. And I can't find my ID so I can't eat until I do.

It figures that I venture into a Glassjaw passion after Matt is gone. I'm actually not sure why I started listening to it after. August was never really a good month for me. I'm trying to think of a month that really was good. I've been away from him for two months and twelve days. It feels like years longer than that. I've communicated with him twice. Once ended in tears and the most recent made me realize that he will never help anyone but himself if he can prevent it from happening.

I'm so tired of talking about him. Probably more tired of it than you are of hearing/reading about it. I get very distracted from posting here when I listen to the Dresden Dolls. I forget everything I was saying.

Yesterday I drove up to Jaffrey, New Hampshire with a whole slew of people and ended up climbing for maybe 20 minutes before my hips gave up. I was fucking pissed but what is there I could do? I walked back down and took a nap in the car.

I feel stupid for giving Matt all of those books. I want them back but will never get them.

The Room-  1st ed-  Hubert Selby, Jr.
The Willow Tree-  1st ed-  Hubert Selby, Jr.
Song of the Silent Snow-  1st ed-  Hubert Selby, Jr.
Waiting Period-  1st ed-  Hubert Selby, Jr. (Can't remember if I did end up getting that one. Probably not.)
The Demon-  1st ed-  Hubert Selby, Jr.

I think I'm going to get them for myself in the next few days. I read a lot of the emails we sent each other that I saved. Some are missing because I didn't forward them correctly. There is plenty of material to use in them.

Yes, this dream I had. I split up with Matt the night before my birthday because I was seeing someone else and we had plans the next day. He read a text in my phone and knew where we were going to be. He showed up and realized that I was seeing another girl. (She looked really familiar but I'm not sure if I've ever met her.) But when he got there, he'd cut his hair really short, like it was in his freshman year of high school. He gave me a ball of colored tissue paper and I forgot about it and threw it in my purse. He basically tried to pursuade the girl to leave me and take off with him. I pulled him by the arm and he looked at me, reluctantly. He said nothing at all in this dream. I opened the tissue wrapping. It contained various pieces of jewelry for my nose. Various sizes. It was a really nice, thoughtful gift and I told him so. He said nothing and followed my girlfriend into the theatre.

It would never be true. "But now we barely speak. Barely."